This post’s idea was first triggered by the realisation that my dreams have become riskier as the time is going by, rather than settling in (which happens with most people). It also re triggered by the fact that my batchmates from college, and school mates from middle and high school have started getting married.
I think this is bonkers.
Why, the fuck, (emphasis on the commas) are people getting married at 23, 24 years of age! Why the fuck are people looking so beautiful while I’m sitting in 6 years old Pyjamas (that’s an easy one, I don’t know why I bothered asking — it’s because I don’t like purchasing new clothes). But seriously, why are people getting married so early!
It’s like they get bored and get married (as Kacey Musgraves so rightfully says in her song Merry Go Round).
Mary Mary quiet contrary
we get bored so we get married.
I seriously can’t fathom, beyond the fact that people are inherently diverse, why people would want to divert their energy, time, priorities into living together, raising kids, than in helping others, solving problems, or just simply making stuff. Shit! Shite!
Coming to the original train of thought —
Right from 6th grade til 12th, I had only had one dream, and a superbly silly one at that — I just wanted to crack IIT JEE. For those of you who do not know what it is, it’s the toughest engineering entrance exam in the world, beating the likes of MIT, Stanford. The problem with the test is not that it is tough but —
- 15 lakh high school students give it every year
- About 10,000 get selected.
- You can only give it once! (this one is specially madness)
I didn’t get selected in it. Since I was so busy preparing for it, I never stopped and questioned what happens inside an IIT (Indian Institute of Technology), which is crazy, right? I never furbished my curiosity to think about anything else — what was I interested in, what I liked, what I didn’t like — I thought about none of that stuff (Though I started writing, albeit very poorly, when I entered 11th grade).
I chose an engineering branch which I hated the prelude of in my high school syllabus — Electronics and Communication. I took it with the bait that The top rankers entering the college were taking it. Was it lucrative from a job perspective – didn’t ask, what did the syllabus entail – didn’t ask, what was I going to study – didn’t ask. Wow right?
Since most of the time in college went into playing basketball and continued writing (albeit not good then either), when I graduated I didn’t know what to do! I had bagged one mediocre job, and that was my only option unless I wanted to come back home and pester my parents by doing nothing.
I went to the job which was challenging as fuck! Since we were fresher trainees from different backgrounds, we had to be trained for 6 months to be able to write code. None of us had written fair about of code before (except a few). 3 months into the job, I decided to quit. It was becoming too much for me to handle. I wasn’t able to keep up with the pace of the teaching of the trainer. Besides, there was no time to implement what we were being taught. It was like studying for a final exam on the morning of the exam. I packed my bags and decided to book the first flight that weekend. I chose not to go and instead struggle, because I didn’t want to go home lingering around doing nothing, silently sobbing and not knowing where to go next.
At this point of my time, my dreams were non existent. The only thing I dreamed about at that point of time was to be able to be good at something. Thankfully I kept reading and writing (and I started becoming good at writing, thanks to continuous writing and reading). But professionally, creatively (even with the writing), I had no place to look forward to in my head. I didn’t know enough to be able to try making something that might turn into a company or a book. I didn’t write enough / wasn’t good enough to be able to give serious writing a shot (but one had to start somewhere right? I didn’t start).
Thankfully, after the training, I got into a project and a team that had a startup like culture, and was fairly independent in running its own plan on what to do and how. We weren’t answerable to external clients, but to our own company’s other teams. I got to learn a lot, and in a non pressured environment. There were no hard deadlines, which helped me learn as I went. I was given small but new tasks, meaning that nobody in the team knew how to handle it before. I wasn’t given petty clean up tasks. I was given some small amounted but real and challenging tasks. I enjoyed it. But slowly I started questioning the worth of working for a company which only had the richest of clients in the world. What good was I doing? What difference was I making in the real world?
I wasn’t the best new comer in my team. I was most know for my curiosity to learn new things and the excitement about sharing them with others. But at the same time, I was scrutinised for not mastering a particular thing to the brink, which let me know that there was no closing promotion coming for me. It was a hard blow the first time I realised this. Anyway, thanks to the acquaintance with open source world — how people collaborate to make things together, I started getting ideas, if not all the tools to start building them.
I quit my job for primarily other reasons, but a subset of reasons was the above. I started working on an idea I had, just because I knew it could be made. I didn’t know the tools (nobody does when they start working on a project), but slowly I started learning. At the very same time, I started reading more critically. I started writing more patiently, and most importantly, I started re writing heavily. I would’t stop until I had absolutely nothing in a story to improve.
The state of the dreams right now is hot! I’m constantly working on other people’s projects, I’m reading and writing more and more, I’m working on big ideas of my own (the constant nag of whether I’d be able to pull them off will always be there, I guess, there’s no scenario where this feeling wouldn’t come and bother). I’m still not employed, thanks to my wonderful parents who are supporting my risky dream path. I couldn’t have done it without them.
As I’m progressing everyday, my dreams are getting bigger. I’m both happy and scared about them.
Lastly, WHY THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE GETTING MARRIED SO EARLY!
Peace out. ☮️